She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
