I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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