My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
