Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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