Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
