Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
