My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
