Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
