They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
