I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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