I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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