I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
