today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
