So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
