FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
