P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
