That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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