I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
