U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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