I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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