theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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