Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
