Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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