I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
