He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
