Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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