can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize