I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
