I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
