Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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