idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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