my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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