did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
