Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
