It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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