1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.