Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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