she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
