Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
