i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
