I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
