I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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