I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
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In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
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Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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