Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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