don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
being pregnant is like rehab
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
