We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
