I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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