Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
