that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
