I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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