sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
