his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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