You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
