I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
