sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
