peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.