I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
