you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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