I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
this beer tastes like vomit already
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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